"When Asian people grow up fast they go to college at 13. White people grow up fast it's about fudge packing and triple D's at 13."

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I'm a whitebread cracker. That's my favorite white person slur: "whitebread". The other day, someone came up to me and said, "What's up, whitebread?" And I was like, "That's not even an insult. That's just my race plus a food. I can do that, too, black bean soup! Stay out of this, Asian chicken platter!"

— Mike Birbiglia