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— Anthony Jeselnik"I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know."
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The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower.
— Anthony Jeselnik
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Walgreens, Rite Aid, CVS and Wal-Mart have all figured out the evolution of life and they grabbed all the products that are necessary for a life. And they stuck them in one aisle and they put them in order according to how you mess up... First thing you're going to see: condoms. Next to that: lubricant. Next to that: pregnancy test. Next to that: Pampers. Next to that: formula. And at the end of the aisle they sell beer.
— Gabriel Iglesias
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