"My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?"

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I like to play pranks on my girlfriend, you know, keep things fresh for me, make me laugh, you know? She hates it. But like, the other night, I put Saran wrap over the toilet seat, you know, which doesn't sound that original, but she's bulimic.

— Anthony Jeselnik