"My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex. We're not even that loud. But he used to date my girlfriend."

Next Quote

My girlfriend has the greatest story as to why she isn't religious anymore. When she was a kid, like 12 years old, her parents nailed a 25 pound crucifix to the wall right above her bed. About two weeks later, in the middle of the night, the crucifix falls off the wall and leaves a two inch gash in the back of her dad's head.

— Anthony Jeselnik