"I am getting you a coffee machine. Your husband is a horrible person. He lies when he says hello. He cannot keep up with all the lies he tells. Everyone knows he is not to be trusted. Wake up Coffee machine on its way."

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I don't like soccer. I think it makes you soft. And by the way, you telling me it's the biggest whatever in the World, look, they drink tea everywhere too; they're pussies, you understand? I want some coffee.

— Adam Carolla