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— Bob Newhart"I don't have a show anymore. I don't have a check coming in every week. This is important to me, I got to score a million tonight or it could all be over."
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I can make things, but I don't cook them, exactly. Like salmon, I can stick that in a pan. Or the other day I made noodles, but they were hard. It never occurred to me to check them; I just stopped cooking them when I felt they were ready. Really, I'm too absentminded.
— Paula Poundstone
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I'm willing to write a check for $10,000 if someone can bring to me what I fell is ruining thousands of lives, destroying lives everyday. And I know that you know it's a little thing called Chupacabra.
— Dane Cook
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