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"'Shrek 2' made over $120 million during its first week. In a related story, John Kerry asked Shrek to marry him."

— Conan O'Brien
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John Kerry says the 'W' in George W. Bush stands for 'Wrong.' But he still can't explain what John Kerry stands for.

— David Letterman

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John Kerry spent the day reading to preschoolers ... and the kids said Kerry actually lacked warmth and failed to articulate a clear message.

— David Letterman

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