"I don't play the tuba. The tuba plays me. My tuba is not actually a tuba, because it has never produced a musical sound. It is actually a giant frog pretending to be a tuba."

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College is like a woman: you work so hard to get in, and nine months later you wish you'd never come. We used to say if a frog had side pockets, he'd carry a handgun.

— Dan Rather