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— Demetri Martin"Drunken behavior will not be tolerated, except by those who are being hilarious."
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Recently, there's been a trend in America that I find very disturbing... rewarding immoral and illegal behavior...For example, we now give free needles to junkies, which seems to me to be only a step away from giving condoms to rapists.
— Bill Maher
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If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.
— Demetri Martin
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