"My English teacher wanted to have sex with me in Junior High. The only problem was, my English teacher was a guy. I smacked him in his face with an eraser, chased him with a stapler and stapled his nuts to a stack of papers."

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When I was about 13 or 14, I had an English teacher who made a deal with me that I could get out of doing all of the year's regular work if I would write a short story a week and on Friday read it to the class.

— Victor Salva