"To be a successful father... there's one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don't look at it for the first two years."

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Kind 'Guardian' readers have been forwarding me round robin Christmas newsletters for years now: lengthy missives full of perfect children, exotic holidays, talented pets and endless, tedious detail. The notes that accompanied them revealed they had inspired in the original recipients everything from mild irritation to absolute rage.

— Simon Hoggart