"My father, I never knew, except for this one time when he threw a ball and told me to go fetch it. "Dad," I said. "Am I a dog?" "Lydia," he said. "I apologize."

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I have a no-apology policy. No apologies for jokes. I apologize in my real life all the time. I say ridiculous things, I make mistakes constantly. But when I'm on stage, I'm at a microphone it's a joke!

— Kathy Griffin