"I could show you a picture right now where I look like something from The Hills Have Eyes. Talk about an awkward stage. Puberty was not good at all."

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I hope that if I ever disappear, people don't look for me based on the last websites I visited. Kind of an awkward press conference for my parents. Officer, do you have any leads? Well, based on Mr. Finnegan's computer entries, we think he was abducted by Sorority Sluts.

— Christian Finnegan