"There are times when I just can't bring myself to sit down and write and I'm never sure whether it's pure laziness or lack of courage - there's always the thought in the back of my mind that my writing won't be good enough."

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I'm going to be cremated from the neck down. And at my funeral, when people are talking about me, they have to hold my head. And then at the end, they have to kick me into the audience and the audience has to keep me up for at least three hits or you have to start the whole service over. No cradling it - I want legit sets.

— Daniel Tosh