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— Steve Irwin"I would sooner die of a taipan bite then tell my dad that I got bitten by a taipan. Because my nose would bleed from his kicking my ass."
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If I were an animal, I'd probably be a bald eagle, since I'm already bald and I love to fish. But I'd probably be a shaky-ass eagle because I'm afraid of flying.
— Steve Harvey
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I like those blow-up beds. "This becomes a full size bed in three minutes!" Well, a mattress kicks your ass. Zero seconds. "Yeah, but you can store this thing." You can store a bed, too - in the bedroom.
— Mitch Hedberg
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