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— Andy Borowitz"All Americans mourn the passing of the author of the Declaration of Independence, George Jefferson."
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Running is special. We've all done it: well, poorly, focused, in fear, being pursued, toward a goal. It's just elemental. Running is like fire.
— Rob Delaney
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Congress is furious at the Secret Service for consorting with hookers, which has traditionally been Congress's role.
— Andy Borowitz
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