Comedian Quotes

The more relaxed you are, the better you are at everything: the better you are with your loved ones, the better you are with your enemies, the better you are at your job, the better you are with yourself.

Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Life isn't something you possess. It's something you take part in, and you witness.

I don’t like writing for comedians. I like writing for actors. The best comedians are the best actors.

There was this whole middle time that only Chris Rock came out of, you know, 10 years ago it was Chris and a few other people, but that's about it. Chris is in a class of his own; I don't see another comedian who I put in high regard as him.

The violence or the vaudeville style of comedy is a technique all by itself. You get up there, and you are a comedian, and you're doing one thing. That is, you're going to make the audience laugh.

There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

Books are no more threatened by Kindle than stairs by elevators.

I'm not a comedian, I'm an actor.

Up North you are holding your own. Everyone considers themselves a comedian.

I think, first of all, you need to love what you're doing, and then this helps in the comedian for its part in everything - but the moment you enjoy what you're doing, you try to express yourself, to find your way, and every time is different, of course.

Creator: A comedian whose audience is afraid to laugh.

My goal is just to become a better comedian.

We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.

Pro and con are opposites, that fact is clearly seen. If progress means to move forward, then what does congress mean?

I keep going because if you stop, you stop. Why retire? Inspire.

Congress is furious at the Secret Service for consorting with hookers, which has traditionally been Congress's role.

All Americans mourn the passing of the author of the Declaration of Independence, George Jefferson.

Running is special. We've all done it: well, poorly, focused, in fear, being pursued, toward a goal. It's just elemental. Running is like fire.

Guns don't kill people, people kill people, and monkeys do too (if they have a gun).

This country has a mental health problem disguised as a gun problem, and a tyranny problem disguised as a security problem.

Same sex marriage isn't gay privilege, it's equal rights. Privilege would be something like gay people not paying taxes. Like churches don't.

Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

The freedom of any society varies proportionately with the volume of its laughter.

It's not all about acting. It's about giving an art of entertainment to humanity.

I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!

I've never worked out what the moral of Humpty Dumpty is. I can only think of: Don't sit on a wall, if you're an egg.

It is better to look good than to feel good.

It's now very common to hear people say 'I'm rather offended by that'.

Every person you look at, you can see the universe in their eyes, if you're really looking

When you go to work, if your name is on the building, you're rich. If your name is on your desk, you're middle class. And if your name is on your shirt, you're poor.

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.

Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped by the right not to be shot by one.

My mother always told me I wouldn't amount to anything because I procrastinate. I said, "Just wait."

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

Some comedians you work with, they only turn on when the camera turn on, and they're like sad-faced clowns when the camera's off. And then, they come alive when the camera come on. And you be like, "Oh, damn. You're not a depressed ball of depression, but you are actually funny."

I don't know why you'd go to a comedian and say, "You know what? You have a large menu of items, but this one thing I did not like and therefore, you should be shut down. You should cease to make a living and you should be thrown out in the streets."

Two cannibals were eating a comedian, and one of them turns to the other and asks, 'Does this taste funny to you?

I was a guest on Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee with Jerry Seinfeld, and I interviewed him when I was 15 years old-those moments really blow your mind.

I wanted to be a comedian. I wanted to meet waitresses and felt that being a comedian was my best way to go about it and I was right.

It's very interesting being an artist and a comedian, (because) you aim for jobs that will feed your ego, but when you get up to the precipice of them, you actually have to deliver. You actually have to understand that you're reaching a new level where there are way more eyes on you, way more expectations and way more pressure.

I'm a rap comedian the same way Bill Cosby is a jazz comedian, Cosby's laid back. I'm like, bang, bang bang, right into it.

You will have bad times, but they will always wake you up to the stuff you weren't paying attention to.

Before doing my first open mic, I was sitting in the back watching all these comedians banter back and forth and fire jokes and up each other, and I thought, This is where I wanna be.

Politics is pop. Our job as comedians - especially me, as a late-night talk show, which is a broader audience - is to amplify what we think America is thinking.