"My dad was proud of himself when he farted. He sounds like he's strangling a chicken when he farts."

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You never count your chickens before they hatch. I used to keep parakeets and I never counted every egg thinking I would get all eight birds. You just hoped they came out of the nest box looking all right. I'm like a swan at the moment. I look fine on top of the water but under the water my little legs are going mad.

— Ian Holloway