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— Demetri Martin"When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole."
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My dad died, and my grandfather died, and my great-grandfather died. And the guy before him, I don't know. Probably died.
— Norm MacDonald
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Sometimes I feel like I'm making a connection with a stranger, but then it turns out I'm not. Like, I was in a mall, and I saw this lady hitting her kid. So I went up to her, and I was like, "Yeah, get him!" She got all mad at me. I was like, "I'm on your side here."
— Demetri Martin
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