"Wanna lose 1200 Calories a month? Drink a liter of ice water a day. You burn the energy just raising the water to body temp."

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Everything you do, burns calories. Getting up in the morning, 100 calories; kicking the hooker out of your bed, another 100; diapering your monkey, 35 calories; laughing at a midget, fun and 10 calories; catching your girlfriend with another guy, 2000-3000 calories, depending on backswings.

— Dave Attell