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Depression is the reward we get for being 'good'.
Sep 10, 2025
We never really know what we want until after we get it. If after we get it, it makes life more miserable, we know that isn't what we wanted. If it makes our life wonderful, we know this is a strategy which will meet out need. That's why Paul Tillich, the theologian says we need to sin courageously. You ask for what you want, hoping to meet your needs. If you get it and it makes life worse, you learn that this isn't what I want.
When we listen for their feelings and needs, we no longer see people as monsters.
You don't have to be brilliant. It's enough to become progressively less stupid.
We have to live over into the other; we have to dissolve with our soul into the other.
They have most likely said it because they have an unmet need.
NVC helps us connect with each other and ourselves in a way that allows our natural compassion to flourish.
Two things distinguish nonviolent actions from violent actions. First, you don't see an enemy and second, your intention is not to make the other side suffer.
This is who I am. Not everybody has to like it.
As we learn to speak from the heart we are changing the habits of a lifetime.
What all the basic religions are saying is this: Don't do anything that isn't play.
Plans to exact retribution are never going to make us safer.
Making a request without revealing the feeling/need takes all the joy out of other's service.
People don't make us angry, how we think makes us angry.
Upset? Ask yourself what this person does that is a trigger for judging them?
O, Great Spirit, open my eyes, open heart's wings, open my ears to your voice in all things.
Judgments of others contribute to self-fulfilling prophecies.
Regardless of our many differences, we all have the same needs. What differs is the strategy for fulfilling these needs.
If I can listen to what he can tell me, if I can understand how it seems to him; if I can see its personal meaning for him, if I can sense the emotional flavor which it has for him, then I will be releasing potent forces of change in him.
The first step in healing is to put the focus on what's alive now, not what happened in the past.
Empathy: Emptying our mind and listening with our whole being
The only time a message (label) can scare us is if we think there is such a thing, and that such a thing is a disgrace.
In our culture, most of us have been trained to ignore our own wants and to discount our needs.
Fear of punishment diminishes self-esteem and goodwill.
I try never to hear what another person thinks of me. I enjoy life a lot more when I spend as little time as possible hearing or thinking about what other people think about me. I go to the needs behind the thoughts. Then I'm in a different world.
When people hear needs, it provokes compassion. When people hear diagnoses, it provokes defensiveness and attack.
To practice NVC, it's critical for me to be able to slow down, take my time, to come from an energy I choose, the one I believe that we were meant to come from, not the one I was programmed into.
Any evaluation which implies rightness or wrongness is a tragic, suicidal expression of an unmet need. Tragic, first because it decreases our likelihood of getting our need met! Even if we think it. And secondly, because it increases the likelihood of violence. That's why I'm suggesting any evaluation which implies rightness or wrongness is a tragic, suicidal expression of an unmet need. Say the need! Learn a need-consciousness.
Also, think about your intentionality - are you getting lost in the method? or coming from the intentionality, the purpose? You don't want to do the mechanics without the consciousness.
NVC self-forgiveness: connecting with the need we were trying to meet when we took the action that we now regret.
Imagine connecting with the human spirit in each person in any situation at any time. Imagine interacting with others in a way that allows everyone's need to be equally valued. Imagine creating organizations and life-serving systems responsive to our needs and the needs of our environment.
Dr. Rosenberg has brought the simplicity of successful communication into the foreground. No matter what issue you're facing, his strategies for communicating with others will set you up to win every time.
We know that when people learn to communicate effectively with each other, their lives and their relationships can be truly transformed. This book gives people both a way of expressing their needs congruently and non-blamefully and a way of listening so others feel not just heard, but understood.
Clinical training in psychoanalysis has a deficit. It teaches how to sit and think about what a person is saying and how to interpret it intellectually, but not how to be fully present to this person.
Classifying and judging people promotes violence.
This language is from the head. It is a way of mentally classifying people into varying shades of good and bad, right and wrong. Ultimately, it provokes defensiveness, resistance, and counterattack. It is a language of demands.
Nonviolent Communication is a powerful tool for peace and partnership. It shows us how to listen empathically and also communicate our authentic feelings and needs. Marshall Rosenberg has a genius for developing and teaching practical skills urgently needed for a less violent, more caring world.
Marshall Rosenberg has a genius for developing and teaching practical skills urgently needed for a less violent, more caring world.
The cause of anger lies in our thinking - in thoughts of blame and judgment.
Blaming and punishing others are superficial expressions of anger.
There are the two main reasons we don't get our needs met. First, we don't know how to express our needs to begin with and second if we do, we forget to put a clear request after it, or we use vague words like appreciate, listen, recognize, know, be real, and stuff like that.
I want to appreciate you without judging. Join you without invading. Invite you without demanding. Leave you without guilt.
Many books on communication are strong on theory but impractical on application. Marshall Rosenberg's instant classic is the stand-out exception. It is clear and compelling in its logic and flat-out inspiring in its inviting exposition of usable techniques and strategies. If this book is read by enough people, the world will transform.
The experience of separateness arouses anxiety; it is, indeed, the source of all anxiety.
If you have an image of someone cutting off a relationship, it's the cutting off that will lead to your suffering. If you see the action as their need being expressed, then the message is within them, not you. Any interpretation you put onto another person's message (such as passive-aggressive, withholding, etc.), you will pay for because of how you took it.
You're going to lose it when you follow the world "feel" with the words "because I think". Any time you are thinking, your chance of getting what you need is greatly decreased, especially when you follow the word "think" with the word "you". I predict you won't only not get heard, but I predict a defensive aggressive reaction.
The Way of a Warrior is to establish harmony.
Love cannot remain by itself - it has no meaning. Love has to be put into action and that action is service.
NVC suggests behind every action, however ineffective, tragic, violent, or abhorrent to us, is an attempt to meet a need.
What you think of me is none of my business.