"You define a good flight by negatives: you didn't get hijacked, you didn't crash, you didn't throw up, you weren't late, you weren't nauseated by the food. So you are grateful."

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[Airline food] is the tiniest food I've ever seen in my entire life. Any kind of meat that you get - chicken, steak, anything - has grill marks on each side, like somehow we'll actually believe there's an open-flame grill in the front of the plane.

— Ellen DeGeneres