Humorous Christmas Quotes

Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.

Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music.

Were it not for the shepherds, there would have been no reception. And were it not for a group of stargazers, there would have been no gifts.

Let's be naughty and save Santa the trip.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.

From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist it would be necessary to invent it.

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.

Christmas is a necessity. There has to be at least one day of the year to remind us that we're here for something else besides ourselves.

The joy of brightening other lives, bearing each others' burdens, easing other's loads and supplanting empty hearts and lives with generous gifts becomes for us the magic of Christmas.

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.

Nothing's as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.

At Christmas play and make good cheer, for Christmas comes but once a year.

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.

Peace on earth will come to stay, When we live Christmas every day.

Christmas is a season for kindling the fire for hospitality in the hall, the genial flame of charity in the heart.

That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.

There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.

Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer... Who'd have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously?

Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful.

Let me see if I've got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn't laundering illegal drug money?

Bless us Lord, this Christmas, with quietness of mind; Teach us to be patient and always to be kind.

There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.

In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka" and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy Hanukka!" or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!"

Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April fifteenth of the next year.

One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don't clean it up too quickly." ~ (1919-), American writer, producer, humorist.

There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them.

Unless we make Christmas an occasion to share our blessings, all the snow in Alaska won't make it 'white'.

Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year.

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.

Christmas is the day that holds all time together.

The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a happy family all wrapped up in each other.

I will honor Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.

Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love.