Funny Life Quotes

There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.

What you discover about life’s shell game is that it’s hardest to follow the pea when you’re the pea.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. -T-Shirt

First, I blow a hole in your face; then I go back inside, and sleep like a baby... I guarantee you.

My whole life is waiting for the questions to which I have prepared answers.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

When in doubt, ignore and be horribly unimpressed

Life is so unlike theory.

Every time I get something under control in my own life, the world provides more material.

Just remember that a pat on the back is only 18 inches from a kick in the behind.

Life would be tragic if it weren't funny.

Life is not so bad if you have plenty of luck, a good physique, and not too much imagination.

There's birth, there's death, and in between there's maintenance.

Adventure is nothing but a romantic name for trouble.

There is only one immutable law in life - in a gentleman's toilet, incoming traffic has the right of way.

Life is a near-death experience.

Parents always make their worst mistakes with their oldest children. That's when parents know the least and care the most, so they're more likely to be wrong and also more likely to insist that they're right.

I learned a long time ago that reality was much weirder than anyone's imagination.

Life is something that everyone should try at least once.

I don't know what to say so I'll just say what's in my heart...badoom, badoom, badoom.

I was wise enough to never grow up while fooling most people into believing I had.

Anything you lose automatically doubles in value.

Why do they call it "rush hour" when nothing moves?

If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.

Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.

Paperwork wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t for all the paper. And the work.

Reality: What a concept!

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.

The most important thing to do in your life is to not interfere with somebody else's life.

All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.

I find my life is a lot easier the lower I keep everyone's expectations.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

If people sat outside and looked at the stars each night, I'll bet they'd live a lot differently.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I am prepared to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Darling, when things go wrong in life, you lift your chin, put on a ravishing smile, mix yourself a little cocktail.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.

There is properly no history, only biography.

There are good days and there are bad days, and this is one of them.

Nothing is as frustrating as arguing with someone who knows what he's talking about.

I try not to worry about the future - so I take each day just one anxiety attack at a time.

You should always go to other people's funerals, otherwise, they won't come to yours.

I think all good drama is funny. All the best drama is ultimately very funny. Life is funny. You can't have any honest treatise on life without bumping into some humor.

Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act.

You'll live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to.

Life is like an ice-cream cone, you have to lick it one day at a time.

If I can sell tickets to my movies like Red Sonja or Last Action Hero, you know I can sell just about anything.

God put me on this earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind that I will never die.

Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.