"You might be a redneck if you stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by."

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I have a cousin Ernie who buys stuff. He's got a big snowblower that's actually the biggest snowblower you can buy, with a remote control, so he doesn't even have to go outside. He's got the microwave and a satellite dish, it's all in one. He cooks and watches at the same time.

— Louie Anderson