Funny Father Quotes

I've been to war. I've raised twins. If I had a choice, I'd rather go to war.

My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.

Father's Day is important because, besides being the day on which we honor Dad, it's the one day of the year that Brookstone does any business.

My wife is so analytical with raising kids, and I am not. My feeling is if they turn out good, then that means I was a good daddy and put a lot of effort into it. If they turn out bad, it means they took after her side of the family.

I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, 'My dad can beat up your dad.' I'd say 'Yeah? When?'

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

The place of the father in the modern suburban family is a very small one, particularly if he plays golf.

I always wanted to be a comedian, even when I was a little kid. I had a funny father who was in the news business, by the way. He was a radio news guy. So the news was always in my house, and funny was always in my house. It was sort of just baked into the DNA that I would do this for a living, but I can remember being less than 10 years old and dreaming about being a comedian.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When Charles first saw our child Mary, he said all the proper things for a new father. He looked upon the poor little red thing and blurted, "She's more beautiful than the Brooklyn Bridge."

There are times when parenthood seems nothing more than feeding the hand that bites you.

The older I get, the smarter my father seems to get.

I don't know what I'm doing, but my incompetence has never stopped my enthusiasm.

Scratch any father, you find / Someone chock-full of qualms and romantic terrors, / Believing change is a threat.

I found out that I'm a pretty bad father. I make a lot of mistakes and I don't know what I'm doing. But my kids love me. Go figure.

You know, fathers just have a way of putting everything together.

You can tell what was the best year of your father's life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.

My daughter got me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. So we know she's sarcastic.

The thing to remember about fathers is, they're men. A girl has to keep it in mind: They are dragon seekers, bent on improbable rescues. Scratch any father, you find someone chock - full of qualms and romantic terrors, believing change is a threat - like your first shoes with heels on, like your first bicycle I took such months to get.

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.

It kills you to see them grow up. But I guess it would kill you quicker if they didn't.

A father is a man who expects his son to be as good a man as he meant to be.

A father carries pictures where his money used to be.

If the relationship of father to son could really be reduced to biology, the whole earth would blaze with the glory of fathers and sons.

A man knows when he is growing old because he begins to look like his father.

Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.

There should be a children's song: 'If you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep'.

My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.

If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right.

Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.

The father who does not teach his son his duties is equally guilty with the son who neglects them.

My father used to play with my brother and me in the yard. Mother would come out and say, 'You're tearing up the grass'; 'We're not raising grass,' Dad would reply. 'We're raising boys.'

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.

One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters.

The greatest gift I ever had Came from God; I call him Dad!

A father is always making his baby into a little woman. And when she is a woman he turns her back again.

My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me.

If your dad is anything like mine, then you have no clue what to buy him for Father's Day. The only Father's Day tradition in my family is the annual conversation he and I have where I say, 'Hey, Dad, what do you want for Father's Day this year?' and he says, 'Nothing.' Then I ask my mom what I should get him and she says, 'He likes sandalwood soap, dangly jewelry and Chanel No. 5 perfume.'

I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for a father's protection.

My father didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.

Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.

When I was a kid, I said to my father one afternoon, 'Daddy, will you take me to the zoo?' He answered, 'If the zoo wants you, let them come and get you.

Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right paths, but the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands.

To be a successful father... there's one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don't look at it for the first two years.

When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.

It is not flesh and blood, but heart which makes us fathers and sons.

The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.

It is a wise father that knows his own child.