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When those waiters ask me if I want some fresh ground pepper, I ask if they have any aged pepper.
Sep 10, 2025
I'm so overexposed, I'm making Paris Hilton look like a recluse.
Most of the world's work is done by people who don't feel very well.
I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
Look, if I'd wanted a lecture on the rights of man, I'd have gone to bed with Martin Luther.
They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.
One of my first films was Zebrahead. I remember the producer asking me, "Can you handle the big lights?" And I thought, Do I want to be sarcastic, or do I want the job? So I said, "I don't handle the big lights, I just tell big men where to put the big lights and they do it."
Flowers seem intended for the solace of ordinary humanity.
History repeats itself, the first as tragedy, then as farce.
When a hunter is in a tree stand with high moral values and with the proper hunting ethics and richer for the experience, that hunter is 20 feet closer to God.
An editor should have a pimp for a brother so he'd have someone to look up to.
An economist is a man who states the obvious in terms of the incomprehensible.
Research is an organized method for keeping you reasonably dissatisfied with what you have.
The service in L.A. is the best. You don't get sarcastic, surly, fed-up waiters and waitresses like you do in England. They're good at their job and they're there for the customer. The only depressing thing is a lot of them have written more screenplays than me.
I have seen slower people than I am and more deliberate... and even quieter, and more listless, and lazier people than I am. But they were dead.
Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before.
If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster.
Political correctness is tyranny with manners.
Creative semantics is the key to contemporary government; it consists of talking in strange tongues lest the public learn the inevitable inconveniently early.
Some people pay a compliment as if they expected a receipt.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
The freedom of any society varies proportionately with the volume of its laughter.
Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!
The cat looked as if it were about to say something sarcastic. Then it flicked its whiskers and said, "Challenge her. There's no guarantee she'll play fair, but her kind of thing loves games and challenges.
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career.
Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.
Whenever cannibals are on the brink of starvation, Heaven, in its infinite mercy, sends them a fat missionary.
McDonald's being the official restaurant of the Olympics is like smoking being the official medicine of cancer.
She is a water bug on the surface of life.
So boring you fall asleep halfway through her name.
The Mexicans descend from the Aztecs; the Peruvians descend from the Incas; the Argentineans descend from the boats.
She was what we used to call a suicide blonde - dyed by her own hand.
It is great to be a blonde. With low expectations it's very easy to surprise people.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
[The papists] ought to have sympathy with us weak, poor Christians, and not condemn us or make fun of us because we are learning so childishly to toddle along the benches, nay, to creep in the mire, and cannot skip and dance, on such light feet and legs, over and outside of God's commandments, as they do, the strong heroes and giants ... God forbid that we should!
Satire is a sort of glass, wherein beholders do generally discover everybody's face but their own.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
All art is quite useless.
Put every great teacher in a room, and they'd agree about everything, but put their disciples in there and they'd argue about everything.
I grew up in a family of ten. You had to have, like, a burst appendix to get the floor.... My brothers and sisters are very quick, intense, brilliant, very sarcastic people. And they were always right there with you, right there, missing not one little throat clearing.
Be careful not to do your good deeds when there's no one watching you.
She wears her clothes as if they were thrown on with a pitchfork.
I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar.
Mad, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.
Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly.