Humor Quotes

Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.

Silence is foolish if we are wise, but wise if we are foolish.

When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. That's the funniest joke in the world.

If we don't have a sense of humor, we lack a sense of perspective

Humor distorts nothing, and only false gods are laughed off their earthly pedestals.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

I do have to say that I think that President Obama is the greatest President in the history of all of our Presidents, and that he can do no wrong in my book. So how's that for prejudice on the Democratic side?

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'

I don't know how many sacred cows there are today. I think there's a little confusion between humor and gross passing for humor. That's kind of regrettable.

Let me assure you that the humourless as a bunch don't just not know what's funny, they don't know what's serious. They have no common sense, either, and shouldn't be trusted with anything.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

Pro and con are opposites, that fact is clearly seen. If progress means to move forward, then what does congress mean?

The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

The first time I was on TV, on "Flight of the Conchords," someone put up a YouTube clip and said, 'You're too ugly to be on TV.' And I was like, 'That is exactly why it's a good thing that I'm on TV.'

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out.

I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

My biggest regret in life is that I didn't hit John Denver in the mouth while I has the chance.

This is L.A. You wanna learn Spanish? Take the bus.

We live in a country where John Lennon takes eight bullets, Yoko Ono is walking right beside him and not one hits her. Explain that to me!

Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders.

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

You're looking good today Bret. Very hot... hotter than Jemaine. You have a refined bone structure, while Jemaine's facial features are too deep set to be classically handsome.

I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring."

This bloke was so pissed, he thought his vomit had come to life!

It is characteristic of all deep human problems that they are not to be approached without some humor and some bewilderment.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

Schizophrenia beats dining alone.

Finley is going over to get a new piece of bat.

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.

Mel: What was your name again? Rain: Rain. Mel: Oh that's nice. Kind of like bad weather.

Don't knock the weather; nine-tenths of the people couldn't start a conversation if it didn't change once in a while.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

It isn't what they say about you, it's what they whisper.

I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you're an idiot.

I have no qualifications to do anything else and there weren't any formal application forms you had to fill in for stand-up, so I thought I'd give that a twist.

I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.

I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.

At first the kid kicking the back of my airplane seat was enraging. Then I imagined it was a broken massage chair and I kinda liked it.

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.

Drug prohibition has caused gang warfare and other violent crimes by raising the prices of drugs so much that vicious criminals enter the market to make astronomical profits, and addicts rob and steal to get money to pay the inflated prices for their drugs.

I've never had a problem with drugs. I've had problems with the police.

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

That's an interesting accent you got there. Are you from stroke-victim?

The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well.

Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.