Funny Simpsons Quotes

The strong must protect the sweet.

If it doesn't have siamese twins in a jar, it is not a fair.

I believe that children are our future. Unless we stop them now.

All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat?'. I'm trying to impress people here Lisa. You don't win friends with salad.

I can't believe it! Reading and writing actually paid off!

Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life be without it?

Romance is dead - it was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, and sold off piece by piece.

The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother, and I call him Gamblor!

When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces...I just know they're about to jab me with something.

I've always wondered if there was a God. And now I know there is -- and it's me.

If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English.

Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow

But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder.

Good things don't end in -eum; they end in -mania or -teria.

English? Who needs that? I'm never going to England.

Operator! Give me the number for 911!

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try.' Homer Simpson

Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals... except the weasel.

Art is what separates us from the animals.

How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Guilt, remorse. It's what separates us from the animals.

If you don't like your job, you don't strike! You just go in every day, and do it really half assed. That's the American way.

I was working on a flat tax proposal and accidentally proved there was no God.

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!

Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?

I always enjoy conversation more if there is some substance to it - which is a just incredibly hilarious thing for me to say because for many, many years I was the guy whose only contribution to any conversation was, 'There was a funny 'Simpson's' joke about that.'

Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you.

Aren't we forgeting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.

Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.

I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman. Homer Simpson

If the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and such and such.

Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.

I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals flaming.

I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?

When a woman says nothing's wrong, that means everything's wrong. And when a woman says everything's wrong, that means everything's wrong! And when a woman says something's not funny, you'd better not laugh your ass off!

I thought I had an appetite for destruction, but all I wanted was a club sandwich.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

When will I learn? The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle. They're on TV!

But you can't stop at one, you wanna drink another woman!

Son, if you really want something in life, you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.

Revenge is good. It's what separates us from the animals and the hippies.

Lisa: 'Do we have any food that wasn't brutally slaughtered?' Homer: 'Well, I think the veal died of loneliness.'

It's not whether you win or lose - but whether I win or lose.

Whoever said, 'It's not whether you win or lose that counts,' probably lost.

Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that Alligator biting that woman's bottom? That's right, we all thought it was hilarious. But, it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harassing that woman.

Homer no function beer well without.

We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing, did you?