Funny Quotes

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try.' Homer Simpson

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

You shall know the truth, and it will make you odd.

A man who does not think for himself does not think at all.

It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression when you lose yours.

I have seen slower people than I am and more deliberate... and even quieter, and more listless, and lazier people than I am. But they were dead.

Political correctness is tyranny with manners.

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!

Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

Books are no more threatened by Kindle than stairs by elevators.

Congress is furious at the Secret Service for consorting with hookers, which has traditionally been Congress's role.

Guns don't kill people, people kill people, and monkeys do too (if they have a gun).

I've never worked out what the moral of Humpty Dumpty is. I can only think of: Don't sit on a wall, if you're an egg.

When you go to work, if your name is on the building, you're rich. If your name is on your desk, you're middle class. And if your name is on your shirt, you're poor.

Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped by the right not to be shot by one.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Go on, try weasel, try squirrel; it tastes like chicken, it tastes just like chicken! If it tastes just like chicken, why don't you gimme some damn chicken?

Television has changed the American child from an irresistable force to an immovable object.

Guys are like dogs. They keep comin' back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time, they're gone.

It's more important for a photographer to have very good shoes, than to have a very good camera

For every book you buy, you should buy the time to read it.

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.

I met a lot of hard-boiled eggs in my life, but you - you're twenty minutes.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

What I'd like to do now - well, what I'd like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

To those of you who received honours, awards and distinctions, I say, well done. And to the C students, I say, you too can be president of the United States.

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.

I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.

Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?

It's only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames.

Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.

Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.

A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don't have a J.O.B.

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.

Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly.

Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.