Funny Inspirational Quotes

I'm glad I don't play anymore. I could never learn all those handshakes.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

If you're going to be able to look back on something and laugh about it, you might as well laugh about it now.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

I try to stick to a vegan diet heavy on fruit and vegetables.

I had the blues because I had no shoes until upon the street, I met a man who had no feet.

The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

I believe in the discipline of silence, and could talk for hours about it.

Copy and paste is a design error.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Everyone always says to me, 'Why aren't there more people of color on television?' I'm like, 'Why don't you ask a bunch of people who aren't putting people of color on television why there aren't more people of color on television?'

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A man is not paid for having a head and hands, but for using them.

I meant what I said and I said what I meant.

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

Profit in business comes from repeat customers, customers that boast about your project or service, and that bring friends with them.

There are no traffic jams along the extra mile.

Money won't make you happy... but everybody wants to find out for themselves.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

I don't remember who said this, but there really are places in the heart you don't even know exist until you love a child.

The average age (longevity) of a meat eater is 63. I am on the verge of 85 and still work as hard as ever. I have lived quite long enough and am trying to die; but I simply cannot do it. A single beef-steak would finish me; but I cannot bring myself to swallow it. I am oppressed with a dread of living forever. That is the only disadvantage of vegetarianism.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

I guess good things come to those who wait.

All good things come to those who wait.

All things come to those who wait.

Bad taste is simply saying the truth before it should be said.

You might as well fall flat on your face as lean over too far backward.

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.

Victory belongs to the most persevering.

One of the very nicest things about life is the way we must regularly stop whatever it is we are doing and devote our attention to eating.

A business that makes nothing but money is a poor business.

The more pity, that fools may not speak wisely what wise men do foolishly.

A man always blames the woman who fools him. In the same way he blames the door he walks into in the dark.

A sense of humor is the ability to understand a joke-and that the joke is oneself.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

I've always dreamed of growing up to be Amy Poehler.

Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen.

Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.

There are so many distractions you can face as a woman, either with relationships or worrying about, Should I go to this party? or, Should I be doing this to help me get ahead? All [success] is, is doing your work and staying focused. It's boring advice, but boring good advice is what you can get from me!

People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily.

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

Happiness does not come from doing easy work but from the afterglow of satisfaction that comes after the achievement of a difficult task that demanded our best.

Effort only fully releases its reward after a person refuses to quit.

Cherish your visions and your dreams, as they are the children of your soul; the blueprints of your ultimate achievements.

Concentration is the ability to think about absolutely nothing when it is absolutely necessary.

If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders.

Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

If you don't know where you're going any road will do