Hilarious Quotes

A genius is one who can do anything except make a living.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. -T-Shirt

There is only one immutable law in life - in a gentleman's toilet, incoming traffic has the right of way.

Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.

English? Who needs that? I'm never going to England.

God gives us our relatives – thank God we can choose our friends.

Take your risks now; as you become older, you become more fearful and less flexible. And I mean that literally. I hurt my knee this week on the treadmill, and it wasn't even on.

By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

I never knew what an engineer did for a living when I was a kid. I still don't.

This is possibly the most shameful situation I've ever gotten myself in in my life, and I've done some pretty dumb things in my life. So to actually make a new No. 1 is spectacularly stupid.

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.

Confidence is 10 percent hard work and 90 percent delusion.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?

When your about to criticize someone walk a mile in thier shoes, that way when you criticize them you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes

Crack is cheap. I make too much money to ever smoke crack. Let's get that straight. OK? We don't do crack. We don't do that. Crack is whack.

I think growing up on a farm in a certain amount of isolation, with not a lot of friends nearby, makes you entertain yourself and kind of grows your imagination - being alone is quite good for all that. You make up stories, talk to the animals, let them be an audience, a bunch of cows.

A conclusion is the place you get to when you’re tired of thinking.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

If I was president of the good old U.S.A., I'd turn the churches into strip clubs and watch the whole world pray.

When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.

Is this chicken or is this fish?

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

Introducing 'Lite': the new way to spell 'Light'; but with twenty per cent fewer letters.

If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo, if it's sent by road then it's a shipment.

Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.

They misunderestimated me.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target

The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

There's power in looking silly and not caring that you do.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

This is the only naked man that will ever be in my bedroom.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

good girls go to heaven and bad girls go everywhere

If you're a kid who was not especially a star in your high school, I recommend going to a college in the middle of nowhere. I got all the attention I could ever have wanted.

The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.

The moment the door opened I knew an ass-kicking was inevitable. Whether I'd be giving it or receiving it was still a bit of a mystery.

What ought to be done to the man who invented the celebrating of anniversaries? Mere killing would be too light.

Matt would stare at Andrew for 10 minutes. It's depressing that people are different. Everyone should be one person, who should then kill itself in hand-to-hand combat.

You should always go to other people's funerals, otherwise, they won't come to yours.

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.

I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.

My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.

The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government.