Parenthood Funny Quotes

If you can control your behavior when everything around you is out of control, you can model for your children a valuable lesson in patience and understanding... and snatch an opportunity to shape character.

I think once you sign on to be a mother, that's the only shift they offer.

Most of us become parents long before we have stopped being children.

Although there are many trial marriages... there is no such thing as a trial child.

You don't have to deserve your mother's love. You have to deserve your father's.

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.

You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

It is one thing to show your child the way, and a harder thing to then stand out of it

Don't handicap your children by making their lives easy.

All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.

Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you.

Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.

Do not ask that your kids live up to your expectations. Let your kids be who they are, and your expectations will be in breathless pursuit.

Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.

In spite of the six thousand manuals on child raising in the bookstores, child raising is still a dark continent and no one really knows anything. You just need a lot of love and luck - and, of course, courage.

I don't remember who said this, but there really are places in the heart you don't even know exist until you love a child.

Your kids require you most of all to love them for who they are, not to spend your whole time trying to correct them.

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.

Setting a good example for your children takes all the fun out of middle age.

If you've never been hated by your child, you've never been a parent.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

A father carries pictures where his money used to be.

No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I'm not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

I believe that what we become depends on what our fathers teach us at odd moments, when they aren't trying to teach us. We are formed by little scraps of wisdom.

The human heart was not designed to beat outside the human body and yet, each child represented just that - a parent’s heart bared, beating forever outside its chest.

When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.

If nature had arranged that husbands and wives should have children alternatively, there would never be more than three in a family.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

Through the blur, I wondered if I was alone or if other parents felt the same way I did - that everything involving our children was painful in some way. The emotions, whether they were joy, sorrow, love or pride, were so deep and sharp that in the end they left you raw, exposed and yes, in pain. The human heart was not designed to beat outside the human body and yet, each child represented just that - a parent's heart bared, beating forever outside its chest.

The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.

There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One of these is roots, the other, wings.

You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.

The most important thing that parents can teach their children is how to get along without them.

Simply having children does not make mothers.

Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children.

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.

If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders.