Witty Quotes

Whatever money you might have, self-worth really lies in finding out what you do best.

Gently they go, the beautiful, the tender, the kind; Quietly they go, the intelligent, the witty, the brave. I know. But I do not approve. And I am not resigned.

Do I have an option? when asked by the press if she was "running as a woman."

No matter who says what, you should accept it with a smile and do your own work.

Politics is perhaps the only profession for which no preparation is thought necessary.

I'm so overexposed, I'm making Paris Hilton look like a recluse.

There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else.

I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory.

If you like me, raise your hand. If you don't, raise your standards

Hail, hail Freedonia, land of the free!

A genius is one who can do anything except make a living.

This book fills a much-needed gap.

Between funny and witty Falls the shadow

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Accept that all of us can be hurt, that all of us can and surely will at times fail. Other vulnerabilities, like being embarrassed or risking love, can be terrifying, too. I think we should follow a simple rule: if we can take the worst, take the risk.

I like Quentin Tarantino, especially the early films, but I'm a big fan of Billy Wilder and Preston Sturges... you know, people were writing great dialogue back then. It's as if people only have the memory of the last 15 years. So, before Tarantino no one was writing witty dialogue? That's ridiculous. Why do we have to keep referring to Tarantino?

There is one thing even more vital to science than intelligent methods; and that is, the sincere desire to find out the truth, whatever it may be.

Politics has become so expensive that it takes a lot of money even to be defeated.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

Political correctness is tyranny with manners.

All for one; one for all.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'

When you go to work, if your name is on the building, you're rich. If your name is on your desk, you're middle class. And if your name is on your shirt, you're poor.

Witty closing remarks have been replaced by massive head trauma and severe hemorrhaging.

Every man is a damn fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.

The Law is a grim, unsmiling thing. Not Justice, though. Justice is witty and whimsical and kind and caring.

Write drunk; edit sober.

It is my opinion that a man's soul may be buried and perish under a dung-heap, or in a furrow field, just as well as under a pile of money.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be bothered with sex and all that sort of thing.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

You have to count on living every single day in a way you believe will make you feel good about your life - so that if it were over tomorrow, you'd be content with yourself.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

Art is 'I'; science is 'we'.

It is an impressively arrogant move to conclude that just because you don’t like something, it is empirically not good. I don’t like Chinese food, but I don’t write articles trying to prove it doesn’t exist.

Art is the only way to run away without leaving home.

For women, the best aphrodisiacs are words. The G-spot is in the ears. He who looks for it below there is wasting his time.

Only a few things are really important.

You may admire a girl's curves on the first introduction, but the second meeting shows up new angles.

Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake.

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?

If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer.

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly.