Humorous Quotes

Thery're both iron, isn't that funny?" "Funny haha or funny strange?" James handed them back to me "Funny 'occult'" "Ah. Funny strange" James looked at me sternly, "Don't start that. I'm supposed to be the humorous one

It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look, which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the day, that is the highest of arts.

This book fills a much-needed gap.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

You shall know the truth, and it will make you odd.

The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up.

Political correctness is tyranny with manners.

You cannot just quote from history and above all you cannot take it out of context, in however humorous a fashion . On the contrary history has a natural continuity which must be respected

All for one; one for all.

I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

Books are no more threatened by Kindle than stairs by elevators.

Guns don't kill people, people kill people, and monkeys do too (if they have a gun).

Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!

When you go to work, if your name is on the building, you're rich. If your name is on your desk, you're middle class. And if your name is on your shirt, you're poor.

If you don't know what to do with many of the papers piled on your desk, stick a dozen colleagues initials on them and pass them along. When in doubt, route.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

My favorite review described me as the cinematic equivalent of junk mail. I don't know what that means, but it sounds like a dig.

It (the double-clarinet in India) was primarily used for snake charming, since the snake would do almost anything to get the Indians to stop playing it.

Write drunk; edit sober.

For every book you buy, you should buy the time to read it.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

When my cats aren't happy, I'm not happy. Not because I care about their mood but because I know they're just sitting there thinking up ways to get even.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Thank you so much for breaking my heart because you got me four Grammys.

When you look at the average American you realize there's nothing nature enjoys more than a good joke.

It isn't what they say about you, it's what they whisper.

There is a feeling which persists in England that making a sandwich interesting, attractive, or in any way pleasant to eat is something sinful that only foreigners do.

Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.

There are more old drunkards than old physicians.

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar.

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.

My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there.

You ask my advice about acting? Speak clearly, don't bump into the furniture and if you must have motivation, think of your pay packet on Friday.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

Some jobs are worse than actual wives. Ad agency vs. Matrimony, for instance: Even the most capricious and demanding spouse is not going to divorce you for refusing to spend forty hours a week making up lies about toilet paper.

Infiniti ads are part of an exciting new trend called "Advertising Whose Sole Purpose Is to Irritate You."

I remember the day we were hanging around the band's commune and Roger came in with the press kit for a rock band (Moby Grape) any of us had ever seen. It looked psychedelic, yet it was done by ad people. I believe the word "hype" was coined on that very day.

Kites rise highest against the wind - not with it.

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.

Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly.