Funny And Witty Quotes

Between funny and witty Falls the shadow

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

I've worked a lot with Noah Baumbach, and he doesn't make it easy to like his characters, but the stories are funny and witty and there's an edge to that kind of humanity.

If at first you don't succeed, then drag racing isn't for you.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

My childhood was lonely. Both my parents were away a lot, working, and the maid basically raised me. And I think that's where a lot of my comedy comes from. Not only was the maid very funny and witty, but when my mother came home I'd use humour to try and get her attention. If I made mommy laugh, then maybe everything would be all right. I think that's where it [my comedy] all started.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Knowledge is realizing that the street is one way; wisdom is looking in both directions anyway.

He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

The second mouse gets the cheese!

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.

The problems that exist in this world can not be solved by the level of thinking that created them.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I can resist everything except temptation.

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana

I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

Two wrongs don't make a right.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

Always forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

I am not afraid of death. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.

Tough times never last, but tough people do.

In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

You're only young once, but you can be immature forever.

You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.