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No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.
Sep 17, 2025
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an ass.
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you haven't fallen asleep yet
Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.
Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.
Knowledge is realizing that the street is one way; wisdom is looking in both directions anyway.
He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.
He has no enemies, but he is intensely disliked by his friends.
The second mouse gets the cheese!
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
Two wrongs don't make a right.
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
I don't suffer from my insanity -- I enjoy every minute of it.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Don't take life too seriously.
Gods are fragile things, they may be killed by a whiff of science or a dose of common sense.
He has all of the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.
History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
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