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I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
Sep 17, 2025
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.
If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody who's life gives them vodka, and have a party.
I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
My husband taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good. - T-SHIRT
When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
I can resist everything except temptation.
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
I don't suffer from my insanity -- I enjoy every minute of it.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
I never said most of the things I said.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
I am not afraid of death. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
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