Funny Sarcastic Quotes

Puberty is the sickest joke God plays on us. So you're just noticing members of the sex: "Girls girls, ooo". Naturally you want to look your best, and God says "No! You will look the worst you've ever looked in your life!"

There is a great need for a sarcasm font.

If you think research is expensive, try disease!

I have seen slower people than I am and more deliberate... and even quieter, and more listless, and lazier people than I am. But they were dead.

The lead singer of Creed says he won’t endorse President Obama. Well that settles it -- Obama will not win the 1998 presidential election.

Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!

I'm not addicted to cocaine. I just like the way it smells.

I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress.

The chief excitement in a woman's life is spotting women who are fatter than she is.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

Humor is the instinct for taking pain playfully.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I'm beginning to believe it.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

A good motto to live by: "Always try not to get killed.

Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?

I think the next best thing to solving a problem is finding some humor in it.

Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today?

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed!

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

A sense of humor... is needed armor. Joy in one's heart and some laughter on one's lips is a sign that the person down deep has a pretty good grasp of life.

There are no nudists in cold areas.

Liberals are very broadminded: they are always willing to give careful consideration to both sides of the same side

Sorry, I'm allergic to bullshit.

We drink [to] one another's health and spoil our own.

When I have an idea, I turn down the flame, as if it were a little alcohol stove, as low as it will go. Then it explodes and that is my idea.

Our national drug is alcohol. We tend to regard the use of any other drug with special horror.

There is more refreshment and stimulation in a nap, even of the briefest, than in all the alcohol ever distilled.

I wish all teenagers can filter through songs instead of turning to drugs and alcohol.

If they took all the drugs, nicotine, alcohol and caffeine off the market for six days, they'd have to bring out the tanks to control you.

I'm very serious about no alcohol, no drugs. Life is too beautiful.

I drink to make other people interesting.

When I drink, I think; and when I think, I drink.

I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved.

When you stop drinking, you have to deal with this marvelous personality that started you drinking in the first place.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.

If you drink don't drive. Don't even putt.

Man, being reasonable, must get drunk; the best of life is but intoxication.

Alcohol doesn't console, it doesn't fill up anyone's psychological gaps, all it replaces is the lack of God. It doesn't comfort man. On the contrary, it encourages him in his folly, it transports him to the supreme regions where he is master of his own destiny.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.

Gods are fragile things, they may be killed by a whiff of science or a dose of common sense.

As we celebrate Recovery Month, it is time for Congress to knock down the barriers to treatment and recovery for 26 million Americans suffering the ravages of alcohol and drug addiction.

Now every girl is expected to have: Caucasian blue eyes, full Spanish lips, a classic button nose, hairless Asian skin with a California tan, a Jamaican dance hall ass, long Swedish legs, small Japanese feet, the abs of a lesbian gym owner, the hips of a nine-year-old boy, the arms of Michelle Obama, and doll tits. The person closest to actually achieving this look is Kim Kardashian, who, as we know, was made by Russian scientists to sabotage our athletes.

To argue with a person who has renounced the use of reason is like administering medicine to the dead.