Witty One Liners Quotes

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.

The second mouse gets the cheese!

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station….

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

I always love it whenever Rose delivers one of her witty one-liners—particularly when it’s a completely serious situation. The contrast always amuses me, but then, I’m biased.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing noise they make as they go by.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

Two wrongs don't make a right.

There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who cannot.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.

I feel sorry for people who do not have a Bible to lean on.

I am not afraid of death. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.